March Madness? For more reasons than one, March is the month when evil lurks in the hearts of even the most kind-hearted women. Maybe you are a woman who needs your husband’s life insurance money, or you have had just enough of his messing around on you. Maybe he is not abusive, just selfish. Or maybe he forgot your birthday and or anniversary one too many times.
You won’t need a weapon. You won’t need to take a scenic drive to the mountains so you can push him over a cliff. You already have all the tools you need to accomplish the sinister deed. He will be pushing up daisies, and your friends, family and the entire community will probably give you the “Wife of the Year” award. No police will knock, and there will be no embarrassing court trial.
People who know your husband will tell you things like:
“Your husband was a happy. You did everything to take care of that man.”
“You were such a wonderful and devoted wife.”
“There was nothing you wouldn’t do for your husband.”
“Girl, you loved that man to death.”
Do I have your attention?
The average American wife can expect to outlive her husband for about 15 years. That’s because men usually marry younger woman, and then die about seven years earlier than their spouses. But if you want to try for 25 or even 30 years without him, this article is for you.
Killing Him With Kindness, a Step-By-Step Guide
- Encourage his hobbies. Tell him how masculine and cool it makes him look. Tell him not to let people tell him what to do. Because the anti-smoking message is so persistent these days, tell him people have a right to smoke. Remind him how much it relaxes him. Whenever you travel, buy him several cartons of tax-free cigarettes. Just be careful that after you light him up, you get as far away from him as possible. Passive smoking is dangerous for you and the kids. If you inhale enough of his smoke, you, too, could suffer from throat and lung cancer, heart disease and premature wrinkling.
- Don’t let him go thirsty. As soon as he gets home, hand him a strong drink. A six-pack of beer per day will do very nicely, as well. In fact, any time is a good time to enjoy a beer or hard liquor. Whenever his friends come over, be the good hostess, and run out and buy a case of beer or a couple of bottles of their favorite liquor with a little branch water on the side. Insist they drink it all before they leave. The other wives might even thank you. Each year, 200,000 premature deaths are attributed to alcohol in the form of accidents, liver disease, cancer and violence. Caution: If he is driving drunk, catch a ride with someone else. Riding shotgun with a drunk is hazardous to your health.
- Don’t let him overexert himself. You may enjoy your aerobic classes, swimming, morning walks and evening runs. (Tennis anyone?) But it is important to complain loudly about the pain you are in after you exercise. More importantly, remind him about Jim Fixx and all the other joggers and athletes who died while running and exercising. Winston Churchill remarked that he got enough exercise going to the funerals of friends. What’s the point of exercising when the amount of time you add to your life expectancy is the same amount of time you spend exercising? Be creative in coming up with lots of rationalizations for not following good health recommendations.
- Don’t nag him. Explain that it may upset him to know he has high blood pressure and cause the blood pressure to go up even more. If he sneaks around and gets it checked behind your back, make sure he doesn’t see a doctor about it. This is not hard. Most men will not go to a doctor until they are in great pain or stopped in their tracks. If he actually gets his blood pressure checked, follows up with a doctor and is prescribed medication, do these two things: (1) Men love to transfer responsibility for everything to their wives, so tell him you will remind him to take his medication, and then conveniently forget, and (2) after he takes his medication, make sure he gets upset. You do this by telling him about the bills you cannot pay, the trouble the kids are getting into, the leaky faucet and all the things that need fixing. Then go to bed in granny pajamas, with cold cream on your face, complaining you have a headache. Invite him to be intimate and blame the blood pressure medicine for his inability to perform. Note: Uncontrolled high blood pressure is the greatest contributor to heart attacks, heart failure, kidney failure and strokes. If he has a heart attack and dies quickly, all well and good. But if he suffers a stroke, that is bad. Couples always stay together after a stroke. You may be heartless, but not so heartless as to leave a man who needs his diapers changed.
- Make him comfortable. Buy him a 100-inch flat-screen TV and put the fluffiest chair in front of it—one that reclines into a bed. Put a microwave oven to his right and a small refrigerator to his left. After a while, he will figure out that he never has to leave this spot. (The only thing I haven’t figured out is how he can take care of his bodily needs without getting up. Maybe you can help me out with some ideas.)
- Feed him what he wants. For breakfast: four eggs, sausage, bacon, coffee with plenty of sugar and cream. For lunch: There’s nothing like hot dogs, hamburgers, fried chicken, bologna, pastrami, salami and ham sandwiches; pizza, potato chips, pie and a large soda. For dinner: Why not feed him ribs, steak, lobster with butter sauce, a blooming onion, liquor, and always cake and ice cream for dessert. In fact, show him how much you love him by baking him a cake with lots of icing every week. Just be sure you are eating plenty of fruits, vegetables, grains, yogurt, chicken and fish. Epidemiologic evidence clearly establishes that high cholesterol is one of the major modifiable risk factors for coronary heart disease.
Go Ahead, Kill Him With Love
Now that you have a start, you can be creative to your particular circumstance. Your husband won’t know you are loving him to death. The next time I see the two of you in a restaurant, if you are eating fish and vegetables and he is enjoying a steak with a blooming onion, a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other, I will wink at you. If he is living like that he will not be living long. You, on the other hand, can smile a devilish smile. It won’t be long before his family, neighbors and friends will be assuring you how well you loved that man.
—B. Waine Kong, Ph.D.
Are You Digging Your Grave With Your Fork?