Several weeks after my mother Theresa B. Gartin Leeke made her peaceful transition to ancestorhood in my presence on July 9, 2023, I found myself sitting with Garnet, my soul brothalove and best friend, in a rented Airbnb apartment in the London borough of Hackney. My body felt heavy. My emotions were all over the place. My mind was tired of thinking and helping to manage everything that comes with the death of a loved one. I was swimming in an ocean of the unknown where I had no control. All of it landed me in a place I did not want to be.
Being in Garnet’s presence created a safe space to unleash my vulnerability. That happens when you are connected to, seen, heard, and most of all, loved by folks you trust and can claim as sacred family. As I talked and he listened, a collage of feelings and thoughts filled the room. They needed space to breathe and a witness who would not judge them. Before he left, Garnet gifted me a copy of Notes on Grief by Nigerian author and novelist Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. The book turned out to be the perfect companion for someone like me. Someone struggling to make sense of herself and life in the absence of her mother’s physical presence on Mother Earth.
Throughout my stay in London, I found comfort in Adichie’s words: “We don’t know how we will grieve until we grieve.” They permitted me to define, understand, and experience grief in my own way. Since then, I have come to understand that grief is a spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical response to loss. It is also an energy that makes a home in the body. It happens to each of us throughout our lifetime. There is no way to escape it. It is different for each person. Grief changes us and our lives. It causes us to experience messy and hard moments that leave us feeling overwhelmed, sad, afraid, angry, depressed, out of control, and so much more. It humbles and teaches us that we do not have any control over when it shows up in our lives. If we resist it, we create more suffering and struggles. If we find a way to surrender, we open ourselves up to receive grief’s sacred medicine of grace that we can use to move through our journey.
I have learned to surrender to grief through mothering. Mothering is nurturing yourself positively and upliftingly with loving kindness, compassion, nonjudgment, patience, and forgiveness. When I mother myself, I can practice my self-love and self-care birthrights. Using the five self-love languages I developed in my work with the Thriving Mindfully Academy during the early days of the global pandemic helps me take small steps towards expressing these birthrights. They may help you, too. They include:
- Affirm yourself with loving, kind, compassionate, inspiring, and encouraging words (recite affirmations and prayers, chant mantras, sing songs, engage in positive self-talk, journal thoughts and feelings, or talk or write to your mother’s spirit).
- Honor your body with physical touch and movement (self-hug, reiki, grooming and skincare routine, yoga, tai chi, tennis, walking, biking, strength training, dancing, and other fitness activities)
- Reclaim your time by prioritizing yourself first and scheduling “ME” time that renews you (rest, sleep, breathe deeply, meditate, participate in activities you love, join support groups, or work with a coach or therapist).
- Serve yourself by doing acts that express how you care about yourself (schedule a weekly or monthly date to honor your mother in a special way, set boundaries to protect yourself from energy drains, make health appointments, clean and organize home or office space, or do something your future self will thank you for).
- Celebrate yourself just because you are you with the gift of time, an experience, or a material item that is meaningful (pick something that connects you to your mother).
As you progress in your grief journey, remember you get 1,440 minutes daily. Choose to use some of your minutes to mother yourself in the best way.
Ananda Leeke is a Thriving Mindfully Coach, artist, Human Design Doula, Grief + You Retreat facilitator, and author of Love’s Troubadours, That Which Awakens Me, and Digital Sisterhood.
